Helen ~ Heynen: February 2009

Count down.....

Posted by Helen in Other stuff

..........til I’m off probation. Horray! Kidding. Kidding. People think I’m serious when I say that, Perhaps because I am such a serious person. Note: that was a lie. Sorry I lied. haha!
No, I’m not sorry at all! See…never serious. That way I can use it when someone asks me out and I tell them I can't. I just say....."well, it’s kinda hard when I’m on probation." It totally throws them off.

Really, though…I’m counting down the days to LA! Yes, I cleared it with my probation officer. I ALWAYS play by the rules (see note on being serious above)

I’ve been preparing for this for months basically. My walking lunge ultra mega marathon will start today .......Where am I lunging to? Do you even have to ask!!? Punxatawney, where else! Plus, I gotta swing by Doug's pad in Vegas anyways to pick up beer he owes me (I’ve been nice about it until now)...and he better have it or Ima lose it!!!!
I’ll also be lunging by Shitholesville! Just because I have to!

If I start today, which I will, I should be there in a few weeks, give or take a few weeks. Let’s break it down.

1.	Head northeast on Wyandotte St E toward Dufferin Ave	0.2 km
2.	Turn left at Goyeau St	74 m
3.	Turn left at Detroit-Windsor Tunnel Toll road (Just try to catch me!!!!!!) Entering United States (Michigan)	1.1 km
4.	Detroit-Windsor Tunnel turns slightly left and becomes Detroit-Windsor Tunnel Partial toll road (forget that!!!!!)	0.9 km
5.	Turn right at E Jefferson Ave	0.3 km
6.	Continue on I-375 N	1.4 km
7.	Take the Fisher Fwy/I-75 S exit	0.9 km
8.	Merge onto Fisher Fwy S	3.1 km
9.	Take exit 48 for Jeffries Fwy/I-96 W toward Lansing	0.9 km
10.	Merge onto I-96 W	30.7 km
11.	Continue on M-14 W (signs for State Hwy 14/Ann Arbor)	25.5 km
12.	Merge onto US-23 N	2.9 km
13.	Slight left at M-14 W (signs for State Hwy 14/Ann Arbor)	8.6 km
14.	Merge onto I-94 W Passing through Indiana (Boooooooooring Zzzzzzzzzz) Entering Illinois	349 km
15.	Continue on I-80 W (signs for Wisconsin/I-80 W/I-294 N/Iowa) Partial toll road (Dream ON!)	244 km
16.	Take the exit onto I-80 W toward Davenport Entering Iowa	310 km
17.	Take the exit onto I-80 W toward Council Bluffs/Omaha Entering Nebraska	764 km
18.	Continue on I-76 W (signs for Denver/I-76) Entering Colorado	300 km
19.	Merge onto I-70 W Entering Utah	806 km
20.	Take exit 0 to merge onto I-15 S toward Las Vegas Passing through Arizona, Nevada Entering California	735 km
21.	Take the exit onto I-15 S toward Los Angeles/San Diego	22.5 km
22.	Take the exit onto I-10 W/San Bernardino Fwy W toward LOS ANGELES Continue to follow San Bernardino Fwy W	65.5 km
23.	Merge onto US-101 N	1.5 km
24.	Take exit 2C for Spring St	0.2 km
25.	Turn right at N Spring St	0.6 km
26.	Turn left at W 1st St	0.1 km

Los Angeles, CA

USA

Now, one of my lunges equals about 3ft (I have short legs ok!). Since Google chooses to use kilometers and not give distances in feet, or god forbid they make it easy and use walking lunge measurements, I had to do a little math. The trip will be approximately 12, 057,086 walking lunges. Ha–cake! 57, 4527 lunges per day at the most. Now I-80….I may have to hitch rides from truckers for for a bit of that. And I don’t think I should have to pay portions tolls for lunging across either, so I will ignore those all together. Yeah, a few weeks should do it. Give or take a few weeks.

I really don't have to do this.....but I really don't like undressing at airport security!!!!

Anyways......today I did some good ol' swimming. I will go do some upper body lifting in a little bit. Damn baby all I need is a lil bit…a lil bit ‘o dis a lil bit ‘o dat…get crackin’ in the club when you hear the $h*t..drop it like it’s hot—–That song came on when I was in the car today on the way to the pool. I always get a lil bit ‘o extra spring in my pedal drumming when that comes on.

P.S. I did 6 chin ups today....no assist. :)

Was just one of doze days....

Posted by Helen in Fitness, Other stuff

Yesterday was one of those days where I think I had seriously lost my mind. A crazy and long day. I feel like Goldie Hawn on Overboard when she is sitting back in that chair and staring into space with all those kids who have driven her insane and she was like, "buh buh buhbuh bubba." I was actually doing that. That’s me.

Last night I did Yoga. …the first time in a while. Yeah, that was not my proudest moment. I had to cheat a lot in order to get through it though here and there. I’m sneaky like that.

So I do my YOGA, but not by choice. If it were up to me, I’d be a complete weightlifting/running psycho like usual. Wasn’t up to me, though. Stupid schedule. But this P90X and people and their stinkin peer pressure. All the cool people are doing it...that's all I hear....Yoga this. Yoga that.

Ok, funny story. Let me re-phrase that…Here’s a story that I thought was funny.

Alright, I was at the pool yesterday too. Now, I’ve mentioned before how I like to "kill two birds with one stone." So, I figured I’d sit in the hottub afterwards and stretch, while I have this conditioning oil in my hair, supposed to protect it, so, there you have it..two birds, one stone. This oil is very pungent; I can’t even describe the smell. I mean, I’ve gotten used to it. Ok, so I put the stuff in my hair, get into the Hottub. There were like 8 people in there. It didn’t even occur to me how horrible it would smell to the people in there. So I’m sitting there and all these people have all these different conversations going on. All of a sudden, there are a few seconds of silence and this lady was like, "What is that SMELL!?"
Well, I was gonna say something, but before I could, this other guy was like, "OMG I smell it, too! What is that? It’s terrible!" Then another guy: "You know, I’ve been smelling that for a half hour in here now. I think they’re trying to get us to stop coming in the hottub" Oh, now come on….now that guy’s just being a big ole drama queen. It was my first time in there with it in. So I’m sitting there and covering my face with my towel acting like I’m wiping sweat because I was laughing. Then this lady goes, "Well it didn’t smell when we first came in here." haha! So, then that meant I had to wait until all of them left before I left because otherwise they’d all get a whiff of it when I passed by them. Then this guy said, "Well I’m gonna say something to the front desk. They’re gonna ask me what it smells like and I’m gonna say ‘it smells like a big bucket of @$$hole!!’" And that’s when I just about lost it. So GREAT.....Now every time I think of this oil in my hair I am going to think about it like that.
So everyone left, then I got out and walk into the locker room. I wasn’t even thinking that my hair still smelled…it’s like I had forgotten what had just happened like 3 minutes before. I walk in, and low and behold…out of all the thousand lockers in there, whose big fat locker was directly right beside mine? That lady who was in the hottub. I had already walked halfway to her before I realized, "dang it, she’s gonna smell it again and know it’s me and wonder why I didn’t say anything in the hottub." It was too late. Damage was already done. So, I did what anyone else would do. I pinched my nose, gave her an awful look and was like, "phew…geez, do you smell that?" Then when she was in the shower, I drizzled a little of that oil in her bag just to make her think it was her all along. haha…Ok, I didn’t really do that, but I should have. Hindsight is 20/20

Hellllooooooo!

Posted by Helen in Fitness, Other stuff

.........to my gansta nation! Na na na na na na na. Can you tell I’m listening to my blogging music? Hellooooo.

I figured I’d write a little blog letting you all know that I and my CAT are alive and well! He’s sprawled out on the couch right now. Me..I’m on the floor where I belong. Typing quietly, of course, so I don’t disturb him…Man, then he’d really get all hyphy. Have you ever seen a hyphy cat that is usually lazy? Well, it ain’t pretty. He usually starts hissing at me in with his over-exaggerated lisp and then he takes his tempurpedic pillow from the bedroom and slams the door. Whatever!!! I don’t need this!

Well, let’s see…I've been doing the work and have been swimming more (Thanks to Torpedo Larrisa) Although, this morning at the pool, I’m lowering in..…I’m lowering...lowering (I am kind of a cry baby for this sorta thing, and just learning how to just jump right in without the slow agonizing slowness of it all)

But.....sometimes the sun is shining right into the pool area through the ceiling windows and in certain spots you are actually blinded by it. I’ve thought about wearing sunglasses in the pool, but I don’t like to draw attention. I’m already pushing it by wearing my boots with my shorts. That’s to hide my house arrest ankle bracelet…whole nother story.

Yeah, I sneak to the pool haha….Suckers! Don’t judge me!! Anyways, my knee is down by my chest as I am inching down the steps into the pool, and I see the back of my thigh and I’m like, "Whoa. What is going on! Is that MY leg?" You know how the hair on the back of the upper leg grows in an opposite direction than the lower leg? Well, it does….and when you think you are getting it when you do your basic upward motion razor sweep in the shower…you’re not. Quit fooling yourself. Of course, the sun was like beaming right down onto it just to make it more obvious. Everybody saw it. I was the laughing stock of the pool!

Now here’s my question. Do you think it would be "socially unacceptable" to let’s say, in the hot tub, maybe have a Gillette Mach3, some Satin Care shaving gel? You could see everything there!! See, I’ve seen the posted signs outside the steam room, "No shaving in the steam room." Pshhht…yeah, who would even do that? The hot tub. That’s where it’s at. No sign there. I think I found a loophole here.

So, this provoked a spa night at my place tonight! No more of these sun shining down on my faults at the pool and embarrassing me!…I don’t think so! I need more spa nights. Oh, yeah…my buddy gave me a new exfoliating scrub recipe. It’s great! Mind if I share it? Ok, you take 1/2 cup of coffee grounds (used or not), 1/4 cup olive oil and a little squeeze of lemon juice. You mix it up and scrub with it in the shower. It’s awesome b/c you don’t even really need lotion afterwards b/c of the oil in the scrub. But…..it’s pretty messy. This is why I suggest using the shower at the pool. Hey, I don’t wanna dirty up my own shower. Ahhh, spa night, I heart you so much!! I took it easy with the Ped Egg this time though, because I overdid it last time.

I even wrote my daily sermon and texted it to all my peeps when I was soaking in the bubble bath "God is love, Peace out." haha! Nobody texted me back….weird.

Oh I finally took some pics....yea....I just woke up in these. Funny how I wake up and I'm like, "oh, I think I'll take some progress pics now" LOL...that's what usually happens.