Helen ~ Heynen

The way I felt today, I could have like worked out for hours. The problem is that I am paranoid about getting bigger. I’m pretty sure the quads are bigger because I’ve been tearing through the seams of my jeans like crazy. Plus, I hear people whispering and pointing "Oh my gosh! Her quads are getting bigger! Her quads are getting bigger!" Rude if you ask me. Seriously, though, I’m cutting out squats and today when I did legs I only did a few exercises. Oh, and there is this creepy old guy who came up to me awhile back and stood on the treadmill next to me saying some kind of creepy nonsense. Yeah, I refused to turn off my music so I could hear him and ended up shouting "I’ll come find you when I’m done" **hint, hint, SCRAM, weirdo** Well that was the first time I’d seen him since. But guess what? Mr lovely ended up in my sauna, creeping everyone the hell out. There was nobody in there, but still….He was just getting out, THANK THE LORD!!! He stepped aside and saluted me as I walked by. Nice…I pretended not to see. He was probably saluting my quads anyways….eewwww..even creepier. I told him to get his formaldehyde-smelling, quad-salutin droopy butt outta my way....okay I mummbled it under my breath...okay I lied...I said it out loud in my head.

I did some time on the elliptical, I felt fine after about 7 minutes, so I did some zig zag crunches on that sucker, too. Incline and resistance up—I’m doing it in my chair RIGHT NOW trying to explain it! Kind of a crossover really— You gotta have the right song though…...

This particular machine didn't have a little ledge to put a magazine, and didn’t have a spot for water either…..I need those two things to be present!! Do I read or drink water on there….hell no, but I need it!!

This particular Gym, (which I won't be going to much longer, because I am a GYM slut and have been getting around)....has some coolio aspects. 1) the water is super cold–the coldest I’ve ever had 2) In the locker room there was a giant roll of what I thought were paper towels for hand drying, but when I went to grab for some with my soaking wet grubby hands, I realized they weren’t paper towels at all….they were plastic trash bags to put your wet clothes in. I was so impressed with that!! That’s the type of thing that impresses me….At other Gyms, I usually put my wet clothes in that spinner thing that the swimmers put their trunks in to get out the excess water. That’s how much I sweat, folks. Oh…..and I don’t wash my hands. That was a joke…I believe there is a direct correlation between the fact that I am dirty and never wash my hands and the fact that I never get sick. Coincidence? No.

But I did have a few scares today, both of which made me thank god for my MP3.…one of the greatest inventions ever, besides Pez dispensers. Those will always be first in my book but anyways.....

I finally got around to changing my ring tone on my phone. This is a big deal, as it involves choreographing new dance moves that I will be doing in short 5-12 second increments everytime the phone rings for the next few months. Anyways, I put my ear buds in and was looking at my player's screen A Kanye West song was highlighted, but I hadn’t pushed play yet. Then I heard my phone ring…a different KW song…. :) I started trippin!! Whoa, this is creeepy..”Don’t do this to me NOW! I need you, I love you….WE WERE MEANT TO BE!!” Oh, it’s the phone.......Thank god cause I was about to busta cap up in that Mp3 player–no lie. That was scary player “Ima lose it” incident #1.

Incident #2 came about an hour later when I parked my keister on a treadmill front and center. OK, when you start pushing arrows on cardio equipment in attempt to skip tracks on the player, just stop–you are in a funky aerobic stupor and it’s only going to get worse from there. Cardio session over! Get up and walk away while you still have a shot at looking cool. Nobody really knew what you were trying to do anyways. I was just happy it was my brain that was broken and not my Player because then I’d hafta hurt somebody!!

Ohhhh and today, I forgot my towels so I had to rub antiperspirant all over my entire body so I could keep my sweating under control. That was SUCH a good idea.

On the way home.....I ice skated in a giant pot hole in the street that was FILLED WITH WATER Man, that was pretty much the best idea I’ve ever had!! I had orange cones, construction barrels and crime scene tape set up around me so I wouldn’t get ran over….I basically put myself on display for the Windsor locals.

I want to skate so bad.....just sayin.